The 15 Faces of Jyuushirou Ukitake
by Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed
Summary: Face 4: Loneliness
1. Hate

The 15 Faces of Jyuushirou Ukitake

By

PND

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

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AN: This is pretty much going to be a group of fifteen one-shots that I will be doing on and off. I'm only going to spend roughly ten or fifteen minutes on each of them, so don't expect anything drastic, but hopefully they will convey a little of what we don't think of when we see Jyuushirou Ukitake. I like to think that there's more that just the usual happiness that surrounds him or the occasional worry. There has to be more to a man who's lived that long. We just have to consider what.

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Face 1: Hate

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Jyuushirou Ukitake was not a man who hated easily, if at all. There wasn't reason for him to feel such a strong emotion towards anyone or anything. His hatred wouldn't change anything, so why harbor any kind of odious feeling towards anyone?

He honestly despised it when even the smallest shred of dislike festered in his heart. It made him feel weak somehow—as if he weren't strong enough to surpass a useless emotion like this one. Hate didn't do anything but make him useless.

He hated being useless.

Sometimes it seemed like that was all he was.

If he ever were to hate anyone, though, he knew it would be Byakuya Kuchiki.

He'd always been on fairly decent terms with the younger man, but as of late, he could hardly bear the sight of the noble. It wasn't the way he acted or how he treated people. It was beyond that. It was just the fact that he didn't acknowledge these things. He didn't recognize how he hurt people and nothing was important to him.

Maybe that was what Jyuushirou truly hated; not Byakuya, but the lack of interest—not even for human life—and to Ukitake, who valued life more than anything, that seemed to be the worst sin he could think of. Complete disregard for something that was so precious.

Byakuya did have a side of over protectiveness to him that Jyuushirou found slightly endearing and had resurrected himself in the eyes of others.

Yet, Ukitake found some space, deep in his heart and at the back of his mind for hate. Hate reserved only for someone so young and with so much talent. For someone who he didn't feel any jealousy of, but instead pity.

He was known for his unending kindness and acceptance of everyone. In all of his time as a shinigami, nary a word had been spoken against him. He was loved by all, so how could he hate when he was surrounded by so many who ignored the entire aspect of odium?

He couldn't...not really.

He did not hate Byakuya Kuchiki, but that didn't take away from the fact that he wanted to.

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End. Face 1.


	2. Fear

The Fifteen Faces of Jyuushirou Ukitake

By

PND

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Face 2: Fear

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He had never been the type to openly display his fear. No, that wasn't exactly true. He did display fear. He showed fear in the way his eyebrows furrowed or the widening of his eyes. He showed fear in the compassion of his words.

He was afraid of so many things.

Fear was a constant friend of his.

Just looking at him, one would think that there were very few things that could unsettle him. He had one of those faces that could be happy or terrified, but it never went as far as that.

He kept the fear he felt inside. He didn't think it was selfish to do that. He wanted to protect everyone around him and letting others see how much things frightened him would put doubt in their hearts and minds. He didn't want doubt to cloud their vision of him. He was tired enough of his sickness being a constant worry, he didn't need them to think differently of him just because they knew he was afraid.

He tried to live by old phrase "keep a stiff upper lip" and kept on trying. He tried to hide his fear.

He had so many to keep to himself. So many things to consider before any action he made. He had always been a deep thinker and living so long allowed him to process each and every scenario he could think of in a quick succession. He tried not to let any kind of fear cloud his judgment. He couldn't.

He wasn't afraid of death. He'd died already hadn't he? It couldn't be all that bad a second time. He'd lived with this sickness long enough to consider his life over and over again only to discover that while he loved living, death would almost be a release.

There was no fear of not being remembered. His name had been written down in history books more times than he cared to remember--sometimes for irrelevant things, but sometimes for important things like the achievement of his bankai or being one of the few with a double zanpakuto. Some considered him almost a deity in his own way. He just scoffed at the idea because he was too afraid to see how many people would look at him differently.

What he truly feared was loss of things that couldn't be replaced—lives, heirlooms, and friends. He didn't even consider death to accurately justify his thoughts on that kind of loss. No, death was final, but he knew that he was cared for by the one he lost. The only correct loss was the fear of his friends rejecting him. He didn't want to be able to see the ones who would break off from him and go their own way. That hurt him more than death.

Maybe he just feared rejection.

He was afraid of his own thoughts sometimes. He was afraid of what people would say if they knew just what he was thinking or how he felt. He was afraid they would just ignore him instead.

He was afraid of being unimportant and afraid of not being noticed. He'd never been the one to go for the spotlight, but a little recognition was all he needed to keep his mind at ease.

The fear of being alone constantly fluttered through his mind, trying to destroy his comfortable thoughts with unfamiliar uncertainties and lies. He'd never be alone, he knew. It was impossible for him to truly feel alone, but completely credible for him to feel it.

If he had to pick one fear, he knew that the worst one would be to lose himself in battle. Every time he touched his zanpakuto his mind would rush at a million thoughts a second. He could feel his heartbeat quicken at the thought of upcoming battle and it seemed like his senses would sharpen. If he were born with fighting instinct it was churning inside him, begging for release. He tried to keep it quiet. He didn't see much action, but when he did his muscles coiled in anticipation and blood-lust screamed in the back of his mind. He'd never enjoyed killing, but something told him that one day he might actually smile at the murder he committed.

It wasn't like he could go to hell.

Or worse yet...he wouldn't even care.

Maybe that was another fear of his.

He didn't like the idea of fear, but he knew that without it he would probably be dead. Fear is what made you fight for your life under any circumstance. Fear was something he actually took comfort in.

He really just feared having nothing to fear.

Fear was what made him enjoy his life.

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	3. Love

The Fifteen Faces of Jyuushirou Ukitake

By

PND

Face 3: Love

AN: Sorry about the long wait…my computer broke…woot.

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Ukitake Jyuushirou did not love. Love to him seemed too final. Love was death in his mind.

He cared and cherished those he knew. He'd give his life for any one, but he just couldn't bring himself to love. Love was too far out of his reach to even bother thinking about.

He knew he was loved. Many people loved him. The Captain Commander loved him as one would his own son, hardly a small feat considering how heartless the old man could be. Shunsui loved him and he was fairly certain Nanao did to come degree. Kiyone, Sentarou, Rukia…they all loved him. And Kaien…Kaien had loved him.

Love was something strange and completely irrational. It was hopeless. It was pointless. Why give your heart to someone when they could just be taken away? He believed love existed. Of course it did. Without love there would be no point in existence. Everything everyone did was out of love be it love of war, love of death, love of life, love of peace…nothing existed without it.

Maybe he felt love, but he refused to give in to it. He'd seen love ruin too many good people's lives. He knew what a broken heart felt like and how hard one was to repair. He'd felt the flutter of butterflies in his stomach more than once in his long years. He'd considered telling someone how he'd felt about them once, but he didn't want to lie.

He didn't love.

There was always some reason he'd give himself not to give in to it. Love was completely overrated.

Who knew what love would do to him? He worried he would be like Yamamoto, absolute and unyielding, even if it meant killing someone dear to you.

There was the worry he'd turn into Shunsui if he told someone he loved them. Shunsui was a dear friend, but the man was little more than a hormonal twit at times, telling women he was in love with them, but he never meant it.

There was the worry love would turn him into Kiyone, Sentarou, or Rukia. The hopeful sheen in their eyes and the endless need to look to him for guidance. They loved him for what he did and what he stood for. They were so blinded by what they believed him to be that they didn't understand what he was.

And then their was the love like Kaien's. Probably the most logical of them all. Kaien had loved him as his captain, nothing more and nothing less. Kaien was a true friend and a brillaint shinigami, but there were very few things in his life than he cherished in his life more than honor.

It was the epitome of any sort of caring. It summed up his need to cherish and protect. It was the need to remove the finality of death, even if it meant his own.

Honor was probably the closest thing Ukitake could feel to love.

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END

AN: Um, neat…it's late and that was written in far too short of a time for it to be very good. Hope you enjoyed. Hopefully I'll be updating this more often…

Anyways, thanks for the reviews, they're great.

Loves.


	4. Loneliness

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The 15 Faces of Jyuushirou Ukitake

By

PND

Face 4

Loneliness

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Living so long with no one to share it with seems like such a waste of time. How could you be happy by yourself? What could you achieve alone? Does your existence even matter if you don't have anyone worth existing for?

Ukitake Jyuushirou did not often think of things like that. There were too many other things to worry about. The Seireitei, his friends, his health. Did he really need anything else to cause anxiety? No, he didn't.

What good would having someone to share his life with bring? Love? A sense of accomplishment? Happiness? Someone to protect?

Children?

He didn't need any of those things.

Heaven only knew how much he wanted them.

Such beautiful distractions to have.

He'd grown up in a large family. Loneliness was never as issue. He'd always enjoyed the warm exchanges and familiarity.

Now…there was none of that. He rarely even got to see his family any more.

Work kept him much too busy for frivolities.

And when he wasn't too busy…he was too sick to go.

If he had someone here to take care of him, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but he'd rather live with his loneliness than put someone he cared for in danger. He'd seen too many friends die for loved ones to do it to someone else. He'd felt the pain of losing friends more times than he cared to remember.

It wasn't just that. He didn't want to be taken care of. He should be the caretaker. No other way should exist. It was his duty to protect and provide. Not the other way around. He didn't want to burden anyone because he was too weak.

He would keep his weakness to himself and be lonely. Did he really need anything more? As long as he was lonely, he'd be aware. He'd have goals.

Where were your goals when you had everything you wanted?

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End.

AN: Wow, short. Blame DelMarch for the bringing the subject up. I'd write more, but it's almost 4am and I'm tired.


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